Wednesday, 6 May 2009

I get it

Oh well, I was reading others blogs, and I just realized how much thoughts they can fit in one post, and how sensitive that could be, plus how different the release of information can be...

I just suddenly felt guilty. I felt guilty because I hide my feelings in facts and actions, I avoid to express directly how I feel, and try to find a way to recreate that feeling by describing the situation, the props and set. I may find to read about real feelings more interesting than to write the events in mini stories. Stories which are directly related to me, but I feel I centralize them from only one point of view, which tends to look for the neutrality and at the end of the day, another way to express myself minimizing as much as I can, and rationalizing what, how I felt.

I might feel embarrassed to myself the fact to be emotionally so ... how to say... diverse. Out of control, yip, ... and considering that I'm an impulsive person you may need to prove your empathy towards me... and believe how much I fear of myself, of my impulses and my innocence.

... But they drag me in a playful hurricane of feelings which I always try to hide, put make up on, just because I find very difficult to recognize that I'm not in control of them, and don't know where they blow me to.

I was at the gallery chatting to a colleague, and we were talking about love... I can't believe what he said... 'Oh Andrea, yeah, you're that kind of girl who falls in love very quickly, very easy when you go out with someone, aren't you??', I started blushing. How was that possible!? I only went out with a couple of guys from work, until I decided 'Never Again'... No one knows how much I try not to show I'm that ...weak... easy... vulnerable. Mierda, Merde, Shit! It doesn't mean I am, the matter is also to be too expressive and ...alive.

Innocence. It may be my biggest virtue, ...and my biggest problem. Plus impulse. No matter how many times I find myself in trouble, how much I learn, how much I experience... I'm still innocent and impulsive. Gosh, how do you cure that? Because many times I feel is like being an Idiot... and the cause of many problems, many misunderstandings... how could you, if you are a sensitive person and visionary enough to picture the situation it may overcome, how could you not feel afraid about it? about yourself? about what you may come to say? about what it may occur you to do? or to express? and how that may be 'too much' to others... considering the consequences it may have started...

There's a book about Tai Chi (see the comment), beautiful in simplicity, that has a quotation from Mencius, and helps me, inspires me to look for balance:

If you know the point of balance,
you can settle the details.
If you can settle the details,
you can stop running around.
If you can stop running around,
your mind will become calm.
If your mind becomes calm,
you can think in front of a tiger.
If you can think in front of a tiger,
you will surely succeed.

Because I aspire to be able to think in front of a tiger.
But I don't agree with my colleague. I haven't fall in love since 9 years ago, truly, crazy, hurtful and devastatingly in love, leaving scars all the way... But I loved everyone I've been with, in different ways. More or less. It's just different to be with someone you like. I can love someone I like to be with, but not be able to fall in love with that person. And I hope, the next time it happens, if it happens, Cupid will be merciful towards me this time.


statelessdancer said...

It’s not about falling… it’s about playing.
Playfulness, Innocence and Impulse - My life’s favourite cocktail
And the book I’m referring to is Looking for the golden needle by Gerda Geddes. You can find it here at a reasonable price:
Amazon is just a joke!

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