Dicen que la primera frase de un libro es la más
importante ya que abre la puerta de la aventura, de la idea, del
comienzo de un destino cambiante... pues lo realmente valioso e
interesante es aquello que se mueve de un estado a otro conservando la
frescura del renacer propio, de la esencia de la vida.
Un ideal es aquello que existe en la mente, un compendio de valores y
creencias asimilados y portados cual escudo en estandarte. Así un
caballero fiel a su reino llega un día a la encrucijada mental, personal
y profunda, en la víspera de una batalla que ya no siente propia sino
ajena a su sentir y pensar. Su mente se expande y se paraliza en un
determinado momento en el que todo confluye; es un momento de catarsis
interior resultado de un largo navegar entre dudas, sensaciones e
impresiones que a duras penas empezó a no poder colocar en aquel mismo
lugar en el que antes parecían pertenecer a la perfección. Un momento en
que su mente agotó todas las razones y la búsqueda de razones para
seguir portando aquel estandarte que ahora siente tan pesado, además de
azotado por la culpa de no poder dejar de ignorar el cambio que su alma
ya acogió.
Esta es la llegada al
punto de inflexión, al momento sin retorno, a la inminente necesidad de
hacer algo al respecto pues la carga es tan pesada... Hace tiempo que
el veneno de ir en contra de su ser ha ido entrando en lo profundo de su
alma, ha contaminado tantas células, que ahora no responden... en aquel
estado de claridad de estar verdaderamente frente al borde de un abismo
sin fondo y con un pasado que le reclama constantemente ser el que ya
no siente que es.
No tengas
miedo, caballero, en el fondo del abismo te espero puesto que ya otros
hemos dado aquel salto al vacío y la única muerte que vas a encontrar es
la del veneno y de las cargas tan pesadas... quizá no recuerdes tu
antiguo nombre, pero enseguida sabrás que tu nuevo yo habrá comenzado el
proceso de regeneración donde toda vida se abre paso ante la
dificultad.
This is a French cartoon posted in YouTube by Pearl714，"A quoi ca sert l'amour". A man and a woman and their love madness: They love, they date, they hurt, they fight, they meet again, they fall in love... in its pure madness.
sometimes you think you are winning something and in reality, you are loosing, .... and vice versa, sometimes nothing is too important, sometimes you meet someoneand his/her life is so complicated that you have to discard the case because of its impossibility, sometimes your life is so complicated that giving timebecomes a sinsometimes you don't want any more what you've achieved under a lot of effort, sometimes we fall in love and other times, we think we fall in love, sometimes nothing is too much and too much is nothing, sometimes I miss something so much that I never tell it, sometimes I understand the situation a bit later of my reaction, and when I do that, I don't know how to bear with it, sometimes everything is complicated and dramatic, others,simple and serene, sometimes I look inwards and I just find fog... sometimes the only thing you can hear is a bunch of dreams leaving you, sometimes anything matters, sometimes I am myself, and others, ... I am not, sometimes I feel free, ... and it's the best sensation ever
I was watching a film the other day, romantic comedy, He's not that into you,and the film starts saying that a girl never forgets the first boy she liked... and I remembered mine! hahahha
I just came from Mexico, back in Andalusia, summer times. I was living there for a few months before moving somewhere else. I lived in a residential area, with white houses attached one to another, with gardens and salamanders creeping by, and a main general green field which was leading to wide steps in direction to a swimming pool a.k.a. Moby Dick (because before we had the real swimming pool they put a plastic one in the hole, and one day it blew gases inside because of the change in temperature and inflated the material... and as the pool was deep in one side and swallow in the other, it looked like Moby Dick).
One day, I came out from my house at 5pm, time we (kids) were allowed to go to Moby Dick (extreme sun/heat and digestion reasons apply), and I saw this tanned happy boy cycling hard and fast his yellow awesome tricycle, dressed just in a yellow swimming suit... I guess that because of the effort he was puting to reach Moby Dick the first, he didn't realized that his thingy, his parts were actually hanging out from his swimming suit!!! And that was the view... and to see his strength, his passion, his ...beauty,... I felt in love. It had to be love, isn't it?
And then he tried to drown me everytime he saw me in the pool. I looked for him but he would really put me underwater for such a long time... that I started not wanting to go to the pool when he was there. But I tried to play with him and my brother. One day they decided to go to my father's Jeep Comando, and jumped in, and both of them didn't let me get in the jeep... He gave the car lighter to my brother to burn my hand, which he did... and he burnt my hand, and my screams were heard in the whole province, and I had to wear bandages for 2 months, and I got to the conclussion that he probably wasn't gonna be the man of my life.
Actually, how I could forget it... as the scar that remains in my right hand refreshes me the whole story...
Once, I had a boyfriend, my first boyfriend, who had a Mr. Hyde.
I didn't know he had a Mr. Hyde... at the beginning he was my love, my man, and then, once I started living with him, quite quickly and without thinking too much, I met this evil someone else.
What a mistake.
He had a very big and impressive scar in his belly. He told me he had an accident back in his homeland with an old car, and that the gear lever stick went trough his body. But that was not the truth...
He was a bunch of lies of himself. He was a puzzle of "hims". Living with him wasn't easy, it was hard to realize who was the real one. The friendly, happy, generous, loving man I was in love with? ... or was this other one, evil, cold, malicious, violent one.
The first day I met Mr. Hyde I couldn't believe it. He attacked me for no reason, and then, hours of monologue - dialogue saying I was the one who was going against him, that I provoked him. He whipped me with a towel, while he was ordering me to have respect to him. I tried to speak with him, but he was not responding in a normal way. He was someone else. His face had a different expression, and I could feel his energy or aura different and strange. His eye's expression were very weird, widely opened and still. I could feel his hatred in his stillness. I was shocked. For a 21 year old girl was quite of an issue. Sleeping with my enemy. After that first time, it was like being in a thriller movie.
And then, he turned to himself again, to be the man I was in love with. I started to feel very confused, and scared. He used to threat me to throw me through the window. I guess he never did it because the police station was just underneath our windows. Other times, he was trying to ask me for help, to be more understanding with him.
I could feel the change straight away, transforming to some being who would enjoy to hurt, to dominate, to hate. He said I was lucky, because he didn't beat me like the others. During those 'in between moments', he confessed me some of the things he did. He actually threw his girlfriend through a window. He had scars on his arms as well of cuts he did himself. He killed his own dog when he was 6 and lied everyone, saying he lost him. He beat every girlfriend he had. He even sold part of the furniture of one of the girlfriend's houses. I guess it was the one who after a while paid for killing him. Yes, his scar wasn't from a car accident, it was because this ex-girlfriend paid one of his mates to kill him with a big knife. He survived and spent 2 months with his guts outside his belly covered in a jelly. Part of the wound closed on its own and the rest was sewed with no anaesthesia. He spent a year in a wheelchair. And came back again. I'm sure he just confessed me a little bit... of everything he did.
I feared him loads. He made everyone lie to me about his future intentions. He threatened me for not to say people how he was with me, or he would say I was crazy. One day, playing with him, to hug us, and that, he tied me with a string and hung me from the curtain holder, sit in a chair and lighted a cigarette. He said he had to be sure I was able to cope if someone attacked me. I managed to release myself, but the signs and pain in my wrists lasted for weeks.
I came in one day and say hello... and he didn't answer me. I found him sitting by the side of the bed in a bare torso, sweaty, stiff and with his eyes very opened. He looked at me and he showed being very scared. He asked me who I was. I tried to touch him and reminded who I was. He said I was a "dead one" and beg me to be merciful with him, he also said a lot more things I couldn't understand, talked about "them" and what they wanted from him.
Sometimes he left me outside because I didn't cook. Others he brought me sweets, and leave them there without telling me they were for me. He told me I would be in serious trouble if I was touching his stuff. Other times, he said I was ignoring his efforts to make me happy and that I was a bad and unsensitive person for my coldness.
One day I got very sick, and had to go to hospital, but he didn't want me to go. He was stopping me at the door and shout me with full rage and threat me that I would never be able to come back home if I was going. I thought he might be able to kill me. I had enough strength to confront him, and I managed to go and get the antibiotics I was needing. When I came back he wasn't there. Sometimes he disappeared for days or came home with a friend to live there for a few days, a complete stranger. I didn't want to leave the house because there was a 6 month deposit held in the bank, and might be lost if there were problems with the house. It was my mother's money. I couldn't tell her I chose wrong. I couldn't tell her what was happening. I had to protect her money and the house. I couldn't tell her everything was a mistake.
He had control over my phone and pursued me if a male friend called me, and spent days inquiring me about that, if I was with someone else, and how bad person I was... up to the point that I had to make calls from a public phone and ask my friends not to call me.
The last month he was particularly violent, and looking for an argument about any single thing. I didn't understand why and tried to make him dialogue, but it was impossible. His friends would follow his ways as well. We had a friend in common and I guessed she felt compassionate towards me, and one day I was telling her all my worries and fears, and not understanding his behaviour against me... she finally told me he was going to Australia to marry someone else, ...with a wedding visa he managed to get with the testimonies of many friends, who had wrote to the embassy agreeing in the faithfulness of that relationship. Their relationship. I was shocked once again. I went home and asked him if that was true. He denied everything. The next day, I don't know how or why, he told me he was leaving the following day to Australia, and that his intention had been not to tell me anything at all, and just disappear. He said to me "The truth is that we are in love and we don't want to recognize it", bollocks, I said "The truth is that I'm the only one who is in love, otherwise or you wouldn't have done everything you did, including this or I wouldn't be here talking to you". He also didn't pay the rent of that month.
He left many stuff in the apartment, notebooks, clothes, music, and other things. I opened the notebooks and I found drafts of letters for the embassy, telling the testimony of their relationship... Letters that friends, apparently, had written and contributed to all that lie, ... or was the truth? I sent him a message to know if he had reached well, because I was in love, I was worried for him and the trip. After a week he sent me a message: "You are a fucking crazy whore, Spanish bitch; you and I we have never been together, respect us and leave us alone"...
Soon after his departure, some of his friends came around saying that he owed them money. But I managed to made them understand that was not my problem, and he owed me money too. I had to come back home, loose part of the deposit, and go home with the "tail in between the legs".
Once he left, I've never seen him again.
After a year he called me back and asked me to get married.
Yes, ... marry.
I obviously said NO!!!!!!!! No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He inquired if I was not doing so he had to marry someone from there!
"Do it" I told him, '...leave me alone'.
And that was it, my first love and that someone else.
